Why I'm destined for evil (I won't have a white picket fence)

I'm back to ranting. Because hell if I didn't just realize one of my favorite rant topics has yet to be immortalized on my blog. And so to all you girls out there who WANT to have kids: What the HELL are you thinking?!?!?!?

Okay. I'm going to backtrack, just a little. I know that there are lots of good things to being a mother. You get that "warm motherly feeling", you get to care for something small and fuzzy and until it poops on you, adorable.

BUT. Let me just list off, very quickly, all the things not-so-nice about having your own child. Morning sickness, 9 months of carrying a wriggly, kicking baby, turning into a beached whale one pound at a time, hours of labor, 10 centimeters (guys, if you don't already know this, I'm not going to explain for your sanity), and then actually having to GIVE BIRTH. Excuse me while I cry in a corner.

I'm sorry that I'm not incredibly masochistic. I am afraid of pain, and I cannot, ever, willingly subject myself to months of pain. If I want kids, I will adopt. And then I shall raise the kids into evil masterminds who will be the terror of their preschools. When they take over the world, I'll retire and live quite happily, thank you very much. But having my own kids?

No way.

Of course, chances are I'm going to change my mind. Two years ago, I thought guys had the collective intelligence of a gerbil. Turns out I was right, if only because the super-smart ones are canceled out by the guys who think it's funny to sit on each other and fart. And they're wondering why no one's asked them to Tolo.

And right there is the other problem with reproduction. I don't know about all you folks, but I really, really don't want to get married, nor do I want to be a single mother. And honestly, I am NOT marrying someone who laughs whenever he hears the word "poop" in conversation.

So when you all have your cute little children and your dutiful spouse and your white picket fence--I'll be the single billionaire who likes to set off explosives in my free time.

Muahahahahaha.

Love,
Tsubaki