Disneyland is a pit of DOOM

I am a cynic—I freely admit this. My friends freely admit this. If I had a gerbil (I don’t), the gerbil would probably admit it, despite their relative stupidity. Because the way I see things, people who are optimists are setting themselves up to get hurt. That’s the way the world works. Of course, once upon a time, I was an optimist. Then I went to Disneyland.

No, really. I was probably six or seven, and I was really excited, because, well, Disneyland. Candy and rollercoasters and the whole host of smiling princesses and scarily large, fluffy animals.

Pedophiles, the lot of them.

Anyways, I went to Disneyland, and here I am expecting sun, because God knows it’s supposed to be sunny. It’s in California! There are only three reasons to go there: the sun, the drugs, and the oranges (I’m a Californian by birth, but in 7th grade I made a three-foot long scale model of the state out of some fast-drying goop, mountain ranges and all. I’ve hated the damn thing ever since).
But we went to Disneyland, and I’m excited until we get into the Magic Kingdom itself That’s when we discovered that when it rains in California, it rains hard—and to top it all off, the weather reports mentioned balmy weather as recently as THE DAY BEFORE. Still, we pull out our rain jackets and buy some umbrellas.
It’s too bad the rain soaked through them. When we got back to our overpriced hotel room that night, we looked about as happy as naked mole rats. I advise you to look closely the next time you see a naked mole rat. Does it look happy? NO. It looks pissed (and wrinkly and disgusting—which also described us pretty well).
We struggled our way through an entire, soggy, miserable week. We wound up buying thicker jackets, and even then we really didn’t want to do anything other than curl up in the warm hotel room and sleep, because no matter where we went, everything was wet. And I mean everything.
But you know what really made me lose faith in optimism? We were flying out, relieved to be going back home to our reliable, gently drizzling Seattle. And then…

It. Stopped. Raining.

We got home, checked the California weather near Disneyland: sunny and warm. I only wish I was kidding.

So if you tell me the glass is half full, not only will I laugh at you, I’ll drink the rest of the water. Because in reality, the glass is ALWAYS empty.

Or it's full of slugs. Take your pick.