Although I have ditched the angry chipmunk with the help of the previous post, the depressed chipmunk is still emo-ing away in my brain. I wish it would go explode. Since it's refusing to oblige, this is to try and drive it away. Screw you, depressed brain-chipmunk.
I seem to have the odd habit of becoming an idol of sorts to younger girls that I meet. Just today a girl introduced herself to me and we began to talk about horses and leasing and all sorts of riding-related things and before I knew it she was asking me if we could work together to get our last volunteer hours and inviting me to come on a trail ride with her during her lesson tomorrow. She's eleven. I'm nearly sixteen--when I told her this, she was surprised and told me she'd thought I was only about thirteen.
Okay, I know I LOOK young. Especially when I go to work at a barn, I dress down, and that really doesn't help. Baggy sweatshirts, no makeup, and honestly, I'm not that tall either. So I can understand people thinking I'm a few years younger than I really am. But there's something I find terribly ironic about having other people look up to me. I am not a nice person. My relationships with my friends and family are dysfunctional. And yet--I can name off the top of my head three younger kids who all seem to want attention and approval from ME. The crazy one.
I mean, it's sad in a way, because this sort of responsibility is too much for me to handle. I'm not patient enough to deal with kids on a long-term regular basis, and yet I can't tell them that I don't want to spend time with them. I don't think I'm going to screw them up or anything, I just don't see why of all the people they know, they had to pick ME.
It's the same way with friends, you know? I might try and help, but I'm going to be too tactless, I'm going to be too blunt, and then I'm going to mess things up and there's nothing I'll be able to do about it because I can't say "I don't want you to trust me anymore" even if it's true. I can think of ONE person who I have had a positive influence on, and honestly it could have been any one of this person's friends. It just happened to be me.
I think I'll go drown in a pool of my own melodrama now.
Farewell, cruel world!! *boots emo-chipmunk off cliff*
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4 comments:
Awwww.
I can't really spell out the reason that those kids look up to you, but I'm thinking that it's probably because of a) your confidence and b) your practicality. I mean, you may be insecure or depressed, and your life may be overrun with proverbial chipmunks, but I doubt that the kiddies know that. They probably just see a girl who's kind, but by no means a pushover, who's level-headed and seems to know what to do in any situation, and who seems confident even if she's not positive she's made the right decision.
Sorry about the sap fest. But from what I've seen, that's what you're like around kids (and around your friends, if need be). Honestly, who WOULDN'T want to be like that? They have no idea of the side effects.
But I can assure you of this: you are not going to screw anybody up, no matter how well they know you. Saying tactless things every so often will definitely cause problems, but it will not permanently damage the person you say them to. I know this because we been friends for a rather absurd amount of time, and despite me being the most sensitive person alive, I am not any the worse for having known you. It may even have had the opposite outcome.
Ok, sap time is now seriously over.
Yeah... Most of your friends are messed up enough already ;). There's really nothing left that you can do. lol.
Alright, I'm with Wanda. You actually, all in all, are a fairly grounded, confident, intelligent, and not passive aggressive (you're direct and that's tolerable, unlike the alternative). You don't waste time considering the impact what you say will influence the world, you just say what you think, but without the air of trying to hurt someone. You just do it in a way that isn't pretentious nor phony. It's why I love you (the rest of them just admire you).
You are a strong, confident woman. You know what it's like to labor and endure the horror's men inflict upon you and your sisters. You must rise up and defeat your group image. You are a strong, confident woman.
See? I say nice things and then a counter them with snarky bullshit so I don't go to soft. You do it too, only less obviously. But at least you admit it. Another thing that makes you awesome.
Don't mope. I do, and it makes me pathetic. So then I get angry and then offend more people by insulting them, and telling them EXACTLY how I feel about their bullshit. While I might be right, I shouldn't say it. You have the unusual talent of being able to be non-mopey in public without attacking people (with the exception of me...I get attacked by you, but I attack you all the same, so what the hell).
Overall, you just win. But don't let it go to your head or I'll have to be your soul twin even more and attack you to deflate your head.
WOMAN POWER
it's your day! a woman's day!
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