On my old school

I just found out that a guy we used to torture in elementary school is now Grade A for attractive.

And so my immediate response, after "WTF when did he get so hot?" is "OH SHIT! KARMA EXISTS AND I'M SO FUCKED FOR THE NEXT *counts* 90 BILLION YEARS!"

I kid you not, we were awful to this kid, mostly because he'd never stand up for himself. And so like the heartless little girls all little girls are at heart (try making sense of that), we abused this guy to no end.

And now he's really good looking. Fuck. I will be beating myself up over this for a while; it seems like this week has been all about the old school memories. Some of which are positive, some of which are negative, and some of which are just....weird.

LISTEN TO MY MEMORIES BECAUSE I'M PRACTICALLY AN OLD WOMAN NOW SO I'M ENTITLED TO SHARE.

We used to make these things called Soap Cows, and throw them at the bathroom mirrors. They were pretty much layers of soap and wet paper towels, and they made these vaguely onion-shaped missiles of white ooze.

Once, our school librarian walked into the bathroom and said to us, "I've got your number", and we totally misinterpreted it as the only possible threat a school librarian (who knew our library numbers) could make.

Another time, in that SAME BATHROOM, someone told me this story about a hunter sneaking closer and closer to a lion in order to pluck one of his whiskers; it was a ridiculously complex metaphor for her sneaking into the boys' bathroom and grabbing a paper towel. Which I thought was pretty much the coolest thing ever.

In the roundabout school driveway, we filmed Do flailing about on the ground like a fish for a video mockumentary proving that humans evolved not from monkeys, but from fish. For this same video, I dressed as an Egyptian with a colored-paper headband and did a weird dance in front of our social studies room; we also drew a "fish fossil" on a rock in Sharpie and found it a year later when we came back to the dirt hill where we'd been filming to finish our video.

We spent weeks trying to make arrowheads based on the directions of a man who spelled the name of our neighboring state as "Origon".

I made and painted and labeled California with a boy who revealed after he moved to Korea that at the time, he'd had a crush on me.

I listened to my Social Studies teacher explain to one member of our class what a boner was (after listing several other names for it) because she hadn't understood why we were all laughing at the island of Bonaire.

The principal of our school wandered into that same class and gave us a lecture on the "Veekings". While someone was having a epic hiccup attack.

Oh yes, and our entire grade once (or twice) hummed along to the Eyewitness theme music, which is still officially the best opening music to an educational show, ever.

And now you guys know why I grew up the way I did.

It's all my school's fault!