On movies and nerdery (sort of)

I've seen a fair number of movies in the past four days (five, as of this evening), so I figured I might as well write about those. Why not?

Obviously, there are spoilers below.

Transformers II: Like Pimp My Ride, but better

....There is so much I could say about this movie. First, its subtitle: "Revenge of the Fallen", which, okay, sort of implies that all the "fallen" bad guys from the last movie are going to....you know. Get revenge. No shit, right?

Wrong. The Fallen apparently refers to a single, prehistoric robot who was for some reason more powerful than his six robot brothers and then betrayed them and made them turn themselves into a tomb for a little pointy thing called the Matrix of Leadership (WTF). But I digress--my problem with this title is that they couldn't call him The Traitor. The Backstabber. The Heartless Bitch Who's Up In My Grill.

No, they have to call him the Fallen, even though he didn't fall from grace and in fact rose to power. And did I mention he is Emperor Palpatine but more metallic and Davy Jones-esque and less like an old man's wrinkly butt? Because he is.

Also, what is with the ornery Australian stealth plane/robot turncoat? EXCUSE ME, LET ME RIP OUT MY STILL PULSING ENERGY SOURCE AND GIVE IT TO YOU BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE SO AWESOME BECAUSE YOU'RE SOMEHOW DESCENDED FROM THE SEVEN ORIGINAL ROBOTS.

This? This was bad decision making, even if it did spawn the Pimp My Ride comment in an amazing sequence.

And check off another point for Optimus. This is the second time he's died....and then gotten revenge on the robot who killed him. As the Badass of the Week site correctly says, this is pretty damn cool. To be honest, I watch these movies for the trashy special effects and the shiny robotic badassery. Plot? Not so much.

I will admit, however, that every time Starscream came on with his little cowering, whimpering, I'm-so-useless act, I wanted to flip a shit. Excuse me--this is the second in command of the second in command of the Evil Robotic God. So....Judas (which is fitting, considering Starscream would as soon kill Megatron as help him, canonically), but more hardcore. Imagine if all the early Christians were five-story robots--that Judas. He shouldn't be so pathetic!

Finally, every time Bumblebee has to save Shia's sorry ass, complete with screams for help from the weaker party, they wound up staring into each other's eyes. Hello, robo-bromance. Robomance. Robromance. Something. I sort of wanted to laugh, because they had more chemistry than good ol' Megan brought to the party. Considering this is a teenage boy and his first car/transforming robot pet/bodyguard....that's pretty damn sad.

And wow, I've written an epic just for this first movie. How am I going to get through another two?

Star Wars: Pornos! In space! Made easier by the conspicuous lack of underwear!

So much innuendo. So much win. But the best part, by far?

Episode IV. Luke fires his proton torpedoes, and then throws his head back as he experiences sexual pleasure for the first time in his life--I mean, feels them penetrate deeper and deep--um.

Right. So one could assume that he's simply happy. Or one could look closer, read deeper, and see that he's very...happy. Blissful. You can practically see the cigarette.

And, after all, think about the scene. He fires his load into the shaft, pulls out, and gets high off of thinking about how his missiles are penetrating the core. I'm not the only one who reads that and does a double-take, right?

Though I've got to say, this go around I was actually really into the more romantic love story. Han and Leia are probably one of the most badass fictional couples ever, and they're ADORABLE. It's sort of like what they tried to do in the Mummy, but Star Wars did it better and the girl wasn't a pathetic whiner. She just had anger-management issues.

Anyways, there's not much I can say about Star Wars that hasn't already been said a thousand times. But it will always be my favorite, and let's be honest--as amazing as Star Trek was, I am a Star Wars fan before all else.

Inkheart: I'm not sure why I watched this, but it was less painful than the book

My story about Inkheart goes like this. I tried to read the book multiple times after having it be highly recommended by many close friends. I got about 20 pages in, realized the only character I remotely liked was Dustfinger and his role wasn't big enough, and stopped reading. The main characters left me yawning, and the names Meggie and Mo made me wince.

So I had no idea what the plot really was except for "and then they read characters into existence and some of them are evil". And it turns out this is basically the whole plot. Also there's a really, REALLY girly-looking Arabian dude from Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves. And Dustfinger needs to be hotter (granted, I imagined him as really hot). And the ferret makes me cringe, because I hate ferrets as plot devices, and they ALWAYS ARE. And the climactic battle scene actually had the potential to be incredibly epic, but they screwed up the editing and the camera angles and so it was super slow and kind of the worst part. And why did the dad speak in an American accent while his kid spoke in a British accent and his wife didn't speak at all?

In conclusion--only the minor idol worship between girly Arabian dude and Dustfinger was good. The rest made me go "meh". But at least I finished it, which puts it above the book.

Summer plans

I'm definitely going to go neurotic over the summer. I know this because I have started talking to my laptop with alarming frequency. I have also applauded, slapped a hand to my forehead in amusement/despair, and done a happy eel dance. And did I mention I was completely alone?

I really think I ought to just record the various noises and phrases I mutter to myself over the course of a day. I've turned into a crazy hobo on the subway, but without the subway because I don't want to get up off the rug.

And it'll be even harder to stand after summer's over. Apparently they've messed around with the schedule at the farm where I volunteer--I'm working three or four days where duties run from 8:30 to 5. So I'm going to be out of the house by 8, and I'm going to get home again....at close to 6. If I'm lucky and traffic isn't a complete bitch (it inevitably will be).

I suspect I will drown after falling asleep in the bathtub after one of these days.

Because as much as I love my volunteer job, we get about half an hour to sit down (for lunch) and we're quite literally on our feet the entire rest of the day. Which, given the sad egg state of my muscles, is kind of a problem. So lots of warm baths afterwards, except those make me sleepy and then...well. Come to my funeral and say nice things about me, even if you have to make them up.

Korea, part II

Man, Korea's actually just much more awesome than I realized, especially with regard to its heroines.

There's another show I'm watching a bit of right now, where the heroine find a bit of bubblewrap and goes "Ooh!!!" It's something all sane people should do when they find spare bubblewrap, because there are actually very few things that are more relaxing than popping the bubbles.

The giant bubblewrap from the laptop case that 'Do and I stomped on outside of St. Nicks was actually just THE MOST AMAZING THING.

But basically, I was more impressed with the fact that they put something so human into a show, because it's something most laidback teenage girls would enjoy and yet it's so scarily normal. I like it when characters are slightly quirky but otherwise normal people (at least, in a show set in modern, unaltered times).

Also I am super excited to watch more of the crazy show I was talking about last post. Because there are clearly devious political occurences going on, and that always makes a show more interesting. Also in the first 15 minutes of the hour long second episode, a kid gets possessed by a giant blue dragon, two villages are burned to the ground, and someone gives birth in what appears to be a golden bathtub (look, I don't get it either). It's sort of great.

Badassery of the most epic sort

For once, I'd like to recognize an Asian country that is NOT Japan or India. In fact, I'd like to recognize a country that gets very little positive recognition at all (...and for a good reason, too).

Major props to KOREA! WOOHOO!!!

Everyone should applaud a bit, because Korea did something kind of awesome. In a world where heroines are, more often than not, pretty much useless whiners, Korea came up with a TV show that is not only epic and really well done, but stars two incredibly kickass women.

Woman one is the villain. She's absolutely psychotic and looks it, routinely takes out several armies ON HER OWN, and likes revenge and manipulation. 2000 years later (after purposefully falling off a cliff to spite the man she hates--who is, by the way, Jesus), she's somehow reincarnated into someone with the exact same skill set, appearance, and personality as her original self. Basically, she's still a fairly pretty, completely batshit warrior priestess. I chalk it up to her being scarier than death, God, and the giant CG turtle-snake.

Woman two is both a heroine of legend and her present reincarnation (who's one of the protagonists). She's a strange mix of a cavewoman/samurai/healer/Legolas. Also, because she goes into labor right before her village is attacked, she pops out the baby, struggles to her feet and says, "TO BATTLE!" Then SHE proceeds to take out an army on her own. So add a Spartan warrior into that mixture as well.

Oh, and perhaps we ought to take into account that immediately after the battle is over, she goes and CLIMBS A FUCKING MOUNTAIN!!!

So yes, give Korea credit for doing something right. A lot of things right, really--this show is a masterpiece, and not just because of its characters. The special effects are well done, the scenery is gorgeous, the plot has no holes. And did I mention this show is epic?

I'm really excited to see where it's going. I have been promised there is even a fight scene IN THE RAIN.

A post with no point

So I'm really hoping Japan doesn't actually have a venue called Pacific Yokohama National Big Hall. But if it does, I vote we all go there and dance.

I also vote that Richard Wilson's eyebrows somehow be immortalized. His "uh huh o rly" expression is clearly the work of the gods.

Actually, talking about Richard Wilson, I'd like to point out that bastardizing Arthurian legend can always be excused by copious amounts of bromance and really hot male leads.

And bastardizing Diana Wynne Jones can be excused by sketchy magical creations that look like anthropormorphized blobfish.

Our head of school could possibly be a more interesting speaker if he was a blobfish. Graduation was pretty good, until he opened his mouth. And then talked about someone who'd already come and talked to us--about airplane bits. Sad eggs, beanhomie. Sad eggs.

Also I got my schedule for summer finalized and it looks like I'm working a total of seven hundred billion weekdays! I'm EXCITED! Hermit-hood, here I come!

Except not, because I'm stealing the senior child and making her watch trashy Japanese soaps and shit. But other than that!

Words I have learned from the internet....

...in one short poem.

Trawling the Interwebs
So I've never shipped my girlbits
Like a bugfuck crazy slasher
And I've never gone "D'aww"
Over a troll-like preteen basher
But I'll always squee like crazy
For batshit canon pairings
And headdesk 'til my brains come out
When a fanbrat gets too daring



Why, you ask, have I written this monstrosity?

BECAUSE THE INTERNET HAS EATEN MY BRAIN, THAT'S WHY.

Oh, nooblets, what's wrong with me?

Actually this post has very little to do with nooblets, and more to do with the strange inner workings of my brain. Of which I myself understand very little, but there are a few things that have recently occurred that have gotten me thinking.

Thing number one: I know how to prevent myself from remembering my dreams. Conversely, I know how to make myself remember them. It's really weird, actually, because this is a relatively new trick (as in, past four or so years). Turns out if I can fake dreams, it fools my brain into not letting me remember any proper dreams I may have had. Which is sort of convenient, actually, because my dreams always leave me feeling really restless and on-edge.

Which is thing number two: I've had two dreams involving confinement in the past week or two. I'm guessing this means I feel stifled by school and life and I want to be free from obligations, which--well, duh.

But it's a little strange, because one of these dreams also involved needing to fulfill an obligation to a friend and the dream-me sort of ducked out of it. Apparently I'm at the point where I no longer care about responsibilities at all, even to people I should be caring about. Which again I sort of already knew, but it's a little depressing.

Thing number three: I have always, always had cracked-out dreams because, like many people, I take what I see and experience and think about during the day and convert it into one big dreamworld mosh pit. Which has led to Yu-gi-oh being played from broomsticks and J. Schmidt helping me save the unicorns and toe-biting zombies.

Except occasionally, I apparently do the same thing when I'm awake. So I'd been discussing the Air France flight that crashed, and I'd been reading about a really ruthless, logical character, and suddenly this scene pops into my head and plays out. And I'm vaguely aware that it's going to go in a somewhat romantic direction eventually, but the beginning of the scene involves this character hearing about the flight going missing and laughing.

This was creepy enough, because I don't need another psychotic individual living in my head. Already got one, thanks. But it gets weirder, because then the guy says "Ha--I beat them."

It takes me a second to sort of reanalyze that, and it turns out that this guy is saying he's won because the passengers have all died. And as he's not dead, he's beaten them. In the game of life, as it were.

It's almost funny, except it's also really fucking weird. I mean, what kind of an asshole sits there and laughs because--and it's not because he's happy to be alive, even, it's because he LIKES TO WIN. And this is another way of winning.

I wound up writing the scene down, and it morphed from something with the potential to be cute (there was another person in the room who gets really upset and the analytical character thinks to himself about how this is one emotion he's not going to analyze because he doesn't ever want to see his friend cry again since it makes him feel all weird and uncomfortable inside) into...well.

I'm appalled at myself. I mean, I know it's a good thing to be able to write despicable characters, but damned if it's not a thoroughly unpleasant experience. Needed to get it out of my system.

More on Star Trek

So I got most of the squeeing out of my system. BUT I CAN ALWAYS DREDGE UP MORE LOVE FOR STAR TREK.

First, tentacled female reproductive system!ship is a winner. Also I am a fan of the fact that they made this a proper prequel to the first series and didn't go all "Let's just fall back on the Star Trek Storyline of finding a new planet/crazy alien species for Kirk to make out with!"

Instead, they practically had Kirk make out with Spock. Which, in my book, is A++++++.

And okay, if you knew anything about my Super Secret Internet Life, you would realize that this had been coming ever since I saw there was a ST movie with hot-off-the-griddle Spirk.

But I'm sorry if I just traumatized the rest of you.

Anyways, I also am a great big nerd. So of course, when I saw the Enterprise, the first thing that I thought is "WHAT A GORGEOUS SHIP." I may have actually squealed a bit when Old Spock flashed the StarTrekHand. But the best part of the nerdery?

When Kirk gets marooned on the ice planet--as soon as he popped his head out, my father and I turned to each other (grinning madly) and said "HOTH!!!"

It's all in the DNA, folks.

Anyways, I also would have loved for Old Spock in the cave to just be Luke Skywalker. And I DID love how the first monster Kirk meets on the ice planet gets chomped by another monster in a total "There's always a bigger fish" moment.

Yes, I made gratuitous Star Wars references throughout this movie. No, I don't care.

Also, I love how all it takes to turn a perfectly nice guy absolutely batshit is to threaten his preggers girlfriend. It worked for Anakin, and it worked for Nero.

Totally loved the mind control slug, want one like burning. And the cute Russian kid. Also want one like burning.

But easily, the part that made the movie beyond great: "Since my customary greeting would seem oddly self-serving..."

The world is a better place because Leonard Nimoy is in it. He makes my little fangirl heart explode with joy.